“NIGHTS AT THE MUSEUM”

Studio: Bluebird Films/Gotha

Time: 2:23:32

Director: Paul Chaplin

Format: DVD

Release Date: November 2011

Includes: Interactive DVD/ Pop Shots/ Scene Selection/Trailers

There’s an old joke about two elderly women in a museum. They each go off to explore alone, planning to meet back up later. When they do, one exclaims how she saw a statue of a naked man and how extremely large its penis was,…the other lady mentions that she saw the same statue, and accidentally blurts out how, “…cold the penis was as well.”

Such is the general premise of the five scenes in “Nights At the Museum” where “touching” the statues in the museum brings them to life. The statues then resemble zoned-out zombies for a brief moment before realizing they can now suck and fuck to their artsy content. In some cases they interact with regular people who happen to be at the museum at night, for whatever reason,…at other times, the living stay matched up apart from the animated statues. In other words, no real consistent pattern. Except fucking.

We begin with some background narration by director Paul Chaplin, the self proclaimed Curator of the museum, and quickly move to a scene with Amanda Black playing a mischievous Schoolgirl in ponytails and a sexy pink/plaid dress. Aletta Ocean is a Cleopatra type statue flanked by a kneeling Spartan-type fellow statue. As the Schoolgirl “touches” the statues (soon bringing them to life), the Curator springs in, possibly ruining her little independent field trip. In a funny moment, Chaplin reminds me of Chef Robert Irvine bombarding the kitchen of a crappy, run-down restaurant on “Restaurants Impossible,” especially with his accent.

As the statues come to “life,” Chaplin then resembles some B-movie horror bad guy, offering the schoolgirl to the zombie-ish statues, and as he nervously does this, the scene quickly moves into fore-play and exposed skin, barely missing a beat. The statues pair up as do the Curator and the Schoolgirl. There is a centralized table that comes in handy for all sorts of sucking and fucking by the foursome. It’s all a one camera shot, and although there are some nice close-ups, you feel a little cheated as one camera cannot handle all of the action. That aside, these two Hungarian beauties are treats for the viewer,…especially Aletta’s gorgeous eyes!! Also, Amanda’s breasts and nipples are getting this scene off to a great start!!

The camera continues to struggle capturing all of the screwing, but does try some interesting angles (mostly oblique angles) mixed with the close-ups. This would have been a perfect time to utilize some foreground/background camera work, deep focus, if you will, to satisfy the viewer. As the sex progresses, our porn music has vanished?? Also, you cannot help notice that the costumes and wardrobe details are getting in the way of the business at hand. No one has completely disrobed, and for the guys, this seems a bit distracting.

Eventually it’s time to CUM!! A quirky, yet somewhat sexy, scene is salvaged with some salty pops. The Curator jerks off on the Schoolgirl’s face and chest, and then the Spartan guy drops a nice load on Aletta’s stomach. With the statues still in position, dripping statue sweat and figurine jizz, the Curator guides the Schoolgirl to a “special” exit…..and I’m making a note to look for more Amanda Black.

As the next chapter begins, we are still in the museum (actually the same set is used for all five scenes), and a stray from the Wild West display has wandered into the Egyptian wing. Cutie Tarra White is “Tex,” and according to the Curator, who burst in rather quickly again, should “be back in the corral.” Tex activates three statues, Jasmine Black (as an Egyptian Queen), and a Pharaoh dude and a Mummy dude. As the statues do their Bangle’s parody “Walk With an Erection” (HARD ON  HARD ON) strut, the Curator throws Tex to their groping, thousands of years old, horny mitts. This turns into a mini-orgy rather quickly with the less-than-bashful Curator joining in, assessing Jasmine’s pyramids.

Czechoslovakian Tarra White has a scrumptious body, and if you like full bodied gals, you will appreciate Jasmine’s Romanian tits bouncing all around the set! With the odd number of participants, there’s a three way going on continuously, providing plenty of sucking and fucking. It also resembles an orgy a few other times, but unfortunately, two issues persist: too much action for a single camera, and costumes interfering with the sex. I had to laugh when the Curator tied his dress shirt in a kind of Raquel Welch bow knot to keep it from dropping like a curtain on his rod.

I could only account for two cumshots, so with three guys, not sure what happened there. Regardless, the Curator decides Tex enjoys the Egyptian exhibit, and opts for leaving her there for a while longer. Personally, I would have brought her along with me.

The middle scene is straight B/G with no Curator. Blonde Brit Paige Ashley is visiting to catch up on some sketch studies for Art class, when she gets curious, and touches another Gladiator type statue. That’s all it takes as he comes to life, and in his best George Romero-ish zombie grunt declares, “I need PUSSY!” With the scene barely a minute long, this economical gal is on her knees and has cock in her mouth.

Paige is a decent looking blonde with a huge rack,…she loves sucking dick, but her gag reflex needs fine tuned a bit. The two get it on in various positions with some extra sucking and ass licking, and when she asks for more of that big Gladiator cock, there aren’t any century old communication issues. This would have been a great scene to offer some good ol’ titty fucking. The most watchable part is when she’s getting fucked from behind, and finally, an unchallenged single camera catches her fantastic breasts swinging in rhythm with the Gladiator’s thrusts. The way she keeps saying,”Ohh, fuck yeah!” is way better than what we’re used to, I believe.

Soon enough, positioning herself back on the museum floor, she takes his jerked off load in the mouth and on the chest. I’m guessing it’s a drawing reference when she mention’s that he has “plenty of lead in that pencil.”

Did you miss the Curator??? It’s okay,…he’s back with the Princess, played by a HOT Black Angelika. The Curator tries some romance with Black Angelica, bringing her from another exhibit into one that seems to resemble Medieval England. Right as things get going, a straggling museum guest stumbles in and disrupts the action. Interesting, that this time, statues come alive by “hearing” the others rather than being touched.  But these statues want to battle. Valery Summer and Britney play a couple of Court Maidens who start a kind of slow motion sword dual with a guy dressed like an extra from Monty Python’s Holy Grail movie. The Princess stops the fight, and doing the math, suggests (in her true Romanian accent) that with three men and three women, there are better things to do!!

They all pair off, and again, we would benefit from a second, and even a third camera. The pairings turn into off and on orgy style moments, with switcheroos and swap-n-pops. All three ladies combine to make this the best scene thus far, but we’re still troubled with wardrobe glitches and some poor sound editing and quality, in general.

The scene rounds out with the guys spraying cum all over these hot chicks, and  the Curator takes a quick exit (scurrying away, he’s still kind of hard!!) and leaves the Princess to do the cleanup.

Like a good friend, Director Paul Chaplin (again, who plays the Curator) saves the best talent for the last scene,…but maybe not the best acting. I’m just kidding,…kind of,…since the set-up involves the Curator acting fairly goofy as gorgeous Anna Lovato plays a saleslady selling broadcast equipment during a visit to the Blue Museum. The Curator advises her not say the word “live” in front of a couple Wild West figures. Of course, she does, and the Curator’s “sex crazed zombie” ideals become real as the statues go after Anna. Luckily, Anna wore her crotchless panties!!

It’s a good thing the Curator took a break during Scene Three because he will have his hands full this time with three warmed up sexpots. However, the two statues become no more than bystanders making out while Anna unleashes a regular fuck-a-thon with the Curator.

She’s a blast to watch, talking in her little Cockney (cock-need) accent, sometimes directing the action herself. Not many wardrobe issues with Anna, and we are treated with a couple of nice, juicy wet squirts from her near perfect pussy!! She takes it hard, and fast, mostly from behind while the two cowgirls mingle in the background. The Curator nearly passes out screwing this fantastic lay, and he can barely jack off in her mouth while the statues continue watching and making out.

It would have been a treat to see more from  Lou Lou and Leila Bee, the two cowgirls in the scene. I will definitely seek out some of their more prominent work,…if I can ever get past the images of Anna Lovato.

Well,…good thing the Blue Museum isn’t the same museum in the joke with the two elderly ladies,…they would have never made it to their punchline. Rent this DVD (I am on the fence about buying it because of production issues) and you should get to your “punchline” fine. If you become a fan of a few of these sexy women mentioned, maybe a purchase is in order. This is not exactly any type of “couples” offering since it really does focus on the female talent. Overall, a decent delivery, but a few changes, especially with details, and this could have made more of an impact with me. Nevertheless, it was enjoyable, and I’ll be looking forward to some more projects from Bluebird Films.

Rating:

Review By:

BK Rocks